I wish I owned half of that dog. “Why?” Because I would kill my half.
"Adam was but human - this explains all-he did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent: then he would have eaten the serpent." -Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Whoever has lived long enough to find
out what life is, knows how deep a dept of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first
great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but
the principal one was that they escaped teething."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Training is everything. The peach was
once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college
education."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning
upstarts: 'We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.'"
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Let us endeavor so to live that when we
come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Habit is habit, and not to be flung out
the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time." -Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"One of the most striking differences
between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"There is no character, howsoever good
and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.
Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the
choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has
brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we
are left in doubt."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"The holy passion of Friendship is of so
sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a
whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Consider well the proportions of things.
It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird-of-paradise."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and
grieve at a funeral? Is it because we are not the person involved?"
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"It is easy to find fault if one has that
disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault
with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in
it."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"All say, 'How hard it is that we have to
die'-a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to
live."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"When angry, count to four; when very
angry, swear."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"As to the adjective: when in doubt,
strike it out."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"When I reflect upon the number of
disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead
a different life."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"October. This is one of the particularly
dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January,
September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and
February."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Nothing so needs reforming as other
people's opinion."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Behold, the fool saith, 'Put not all
thine eggs in one basket'-which is but a manner of saying, 'Scatter your money
and your attention;' but the wise man saith,'Put all your eggs in the one
basket and WATCH THAT BASKET."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
If you pick up a starving dog and make him
prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a
dog and a man."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you
are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by you only regret that
you didn't see him do it."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"July 4. Statistics show that we lose
more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together.
This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is
now inadequate, the country's grown so."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Gratitude and treachery are merely the
two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth
staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Thanksgiving Day. Let all give humble,
hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji,
they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to
sneer at Fiji."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"It were not best that we should all
think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"Even the clearest and most perfect
circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore
ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened
by any woman: if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but
if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say she did it with her
teeth."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"He is useless on top of the ground; he
ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"APRIL 1. This is the day upon which we
are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"It is often the case that the man who
can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
"October 12, The Discovery. It was
wonderful to find America,
but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-
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