Some middle-aged people who divorce after many years of marriage very much look forward to much more freedom—escaping from painful, constricting, stifling, suffocating, entangling relationship bonds. Marriage was a cage, holding them in. Their ring was a heavy burden keeping them back from flying. Acquiring a motorcycle during their divorce would, for them, be symbolic of a yearning for freedom—I’ll ride by myself, without passengers, wherever I want to go. I can accept that; it’s OK that many find marriage too entangling for their tastes, and they want to just ‘play around’ and ‘stretch their wings’ a bit. These people will do best, if they do remarry after many years, to have a spouse who also wants looser ‘bonds’.
Others, like me, tend to thrive at the other end of the spectrum. Since reading The Art of Loving, by Erik Fromm, in 1971, I have always romanticized a loving marriage as the clearly-best path for me—my path with heart. Now I have been bucked off the horse . . . but I’m already ready to get back up again. I very much want to have lots of loving thoughts and feelings for another woman, and care for her often and well. I see strong, healthy entanglement (love & loving, with ‘bonds’ of kindness, appreciation, affection, respect, acceptance, compassion, etc.) as the path to my holistic wellness. I am not an independent entity that exists. I am not a closed, self-sufficient system like a rock in interstellar space. Living systems like me are, by definition, OPEN—they very much depend on matter/energy inputs and outputs. They are inextricably enmeshed in relationships and in bigger systems. And they are, themselves, composed of many smaller systems (our cells). So we are “holons” ala Ken Wilbur. I am a verb. I am what I do. I am what happens in the relationships that I have. By free will I choreograph my own solo dance in the Cosmic Dance, but two lives thrive (and the Universe really jives) when I’m choosing to harmonize with a wise and playful dancing partner.
So I’ll soon be ‘on the hunt’ for a friend who, more than anything else, also wants a very healthy marriage with strong ‘bonds.’ It’s OK if she doesn’t even like dancing (although that would be a fun plus). What’s key is that my next partner will be committed to usually following the Golden Rule for Couples: “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Loving, in this sense, means treating another well, in the ways that work for them. This sort of marriage is much more than being ‘business partners’ living in the same household. It means freely choosing to often speak phrases in your partner’s ‘love languages,’ frequently showing them outward signs of your inner loving thoughts and feelings. Such freely chosen bonds constitute a good sort of ‘entanglement.’
Finding a healthy yin/yang balance is the key to wisely doing most things. It’s very rare that black or white is the right answer. So spouses very much need to respect each other’s dynamic need for space and freedom. I thoroughly enjoy and am nourished by doing tai chi, yoga and meditation alone. I thoroughly enjoy solo rides on my jetski or my new motorcycle. They are joyful . . . hence, I have named my new motorcycle “Joy.” But when I come home, what would nourish me, what I have always yearned for, is a wife who I can hug and be hugged by. One I can talk with, and snuggle up with, and become very ‘entangled’ with . . . physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, till death do us part.
I’m not a totally naïve & starry-eyed romantic; I certainly know from experience that real-world marriages are inevitably very painful sometimes. So resiliency, commitment, and mutual generosity are important keys to nourishing, joyful, life-long love relationships.
Perhaps the foundation for a strong healthy union between 2 people needs to grown from 2 strong healthy individuals who are both solid in their understanding of themselves? For some that can be a difficult goal to achieve especailly when one's vision was blocked or numbed for many years.
Perhaps a marriage can be a synergistic union created from 2 people who by themselves are healthy and whole?
Perhaps freedom and entangelment are not mutually in a healthy relationship?
Posted by: Marcia | 02/23/2011 at 10:06 PM
I'm 100% in agreement with your first 2 paragraphs. You're very wise.
In your last sentence did you mean to add the word "exclusive" after the word "mutually"? Because for me these days, in a relationship with a lot of wellness, I see many benefits of a dynamic yin/yang dance between HEALTHY entanglement and healthy freedom. When we use words, we tend to make complicated things too black and white. It seems to me that a lot of wisdom (and health & wellness) lies in navigating that gray zone well. . . nourishing, affirming and incorporating both the yin and the yang elements in our little subplots in the Cosmic Dance . . . . that we are so privileged to choreograph.
Posted by: Eddie Miller | 02/24/2011 at 08:38 AM